Depressed? Not today

     Apologies beforehand if this comes across as me being in need of Midol lol.
    As I write this post I think it is important to note that writing about being depressed when you are not depressed is actually not too painful.
    A few days ago I had someone tell me that my self deprecating humor had became "old trick". It hurt quite a bit. Looking back on it I can see how this person came to that conclusion but what they didn't realize is that for me it is definitely not a trick or a ploy. It is, for me anyways, a defense mechanism. Most days when I wake up my first thought is "I am not good enough"...for my job, my kid, my wife or my life... for anything really. So by cracking jokes at my own expense it helps me smooth over the rough patches that I may be going through. And I keep on moving.
     What is weird about my depression (it is different for everyone) is that I don't seem to have much to be depressed about. I have a good job that doesn't suck (compared to hitting the lottery it may suck just a little lol). I have good family and friends. But it is still there. I think that is what makes it so dang scary. It is easy to plan a defense or even an attack if you have a cause of pain or a target,  but when you wake up and it is just there... weighing you down and taking you to that dark place... it is just frightening. So we keep moving. While moving we move into a brighter place and then we move into a darker place etc., etc. In a perfect world we use the anger and fear from that darker place to keep us in that lighter place, but as we all know it ain't a perfect world. For some people they never get out of that dark place and it destroys them. I don't have that luxury. I want to see how my story plays out... see if I become a writer... see if my kid grows into a great man... more importantly see if he grows into a GOOD man (the world needs all of those it can get). I heard something along the lines of "a man can't walk out of his own story till it's over" and my story doesn't seem to be over yet. So I think I'll keep moving. How about you? You gonna keep moving through the dark to the light? I hope so. Remember, the best stories have all kinds of twists and turns and change real quick.

Wednsday Quote

     Just a quick quote.

Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing. Confucius

Writing blues

     So I have a laptop for writing. I have pens, pencils, notebooks scattered all over the place for writing. Hell, I am even writing this on an Alphasmart Neo, which I bought for writing. You want to hear the funny part...I don't freaking write. Not a word...when I open the word processing programs on my computer or open a notebook I sit and stare. That's it... and it is starting to piss me off. I mean really, how freakin hard is it to put writing utensil to paper or fingers to keyboard and just write. Apparently very hard for me. So I procrastinate or I allow myself to get sidetracked by the Internet or the silly little games that come on my phone. Or maybe I blame my technophobia lol. But rest assured I find a reason to not write. And it pisses me off. Seems to me that if I was meant to be a writer it would come easy. I would have read more, been a better student, have a greater interest in the classics (whatever they are). But no... it ain't easy, I don't read or write enough, and I wouldn't even know a "classic" if it fell on my head. So I don't write. And, I may have mentioned it before, it pisses me off. So I here i am over a week into NaNoWriMo and I haven't written a word. Guess what... You got it. It pisses me off. Maybe I should call it quits. Just go on being what I have always been... maybe... maybe not.
     Before I throw in the towel and start re gifting all my writing paraphernalia maybe i should look at some things. Most importantly, I am writing right now. I am writing this rant or whatever you want to call it. Another thing is the quote that goes "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it." I know an eight year old that just finished his first 5K race. I asked him how was it and his first response was that it was a nightmare. I asked how he felt when he crossed the finish line though and his response, with the truth that is an intrinsic part of kids, was "Famous". One more thing about this kid... he spent the first few weeks of his life in a cast and went through several surgeries for his feet so he could walk. Kind of says something about getting past the difficult things in life, don't it?